It's been a really long time since I've written a blog entry. Let me preface this by saying that i am sitting in the bus station waiting to get Ina bus to go to the bakum(the place in the army where people go in and never come out...) to switch my uniform because I have been placed in the navy!! I get a pretty white uniform for ceremonies and a khaki uniform for the rest of the time..yay!
The past two and a half months have honestly been the most challenging of my entire life. I have never worked so hard in my life, and it's not easy to literally spend every waking moment studying and then find out that you passed the test, but just barely. I was in, what I think, is the best course for the best position in the army...education!! I was with ninety girls between the ages of 18 and 20, many of whom had never been away from home. I learned about everything there is to know about this country: from the Haredim, to David Ben gurion, to current events, to the ancient history of Israel. I traveled to Gaza and the west bank, had an incredibly meaningful and educational week in Jerusalem, and I learned how to do my job army style.
It wasn't the glorious army life I wanted. There were no boys, no good food, and a ton of tears. There are 2 breakdowns that stick out in my mind that I want to share. The first came after a few day of non stop rain. The night before, I had to be on patrol and walk around the base to guard the perimeter. The mud reached my ankles, and the girl I was walking with thought she was the prettiest girl in the world and insisted on telling me about it for an hour. Then I found out that I had to be on call...meaning I had to sleep in my uniform INCLUDING my disgusting muddy shoes. I don't know why that set me off, but I lost it. First I called my mom and sobbed louder and harder than I did when I saw the notebook for the first time. Then, all the other (incredibly wonderful) garin Tzabar girls came downstairs and sat with me while I wailed and wailed about how I hated 18 year olds and how Zionism doesn't mean sleeping in muddy shoes. Then I sat in a puddle, which therefore made me cry harder. In that moment, I truly felt like it was the end of the world. I didn't see the light at the end of the tunnel, and I felt more alone than I ever have in my entire life. I hope that nobody ever experiences the feeling I experienced that night. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. In the end, I slept in my shoes and it was fine, obviously.
My second breakdown occurred after I finished basic training. (this incident was before the muddy shoes). I was on a high, and heddy and teddy had just left the base after watching my swear allegiance to the state of Israel (they didn't know that I swore alliegence at age 10 already). My commander pulled me aside and told me (in her really fast hebrew) that I ha to meet with the commander of my course. I sat down, and she proceeded to tell me that "there was no way I was going to succeed in my course". The Hebrew just wasn't here for me, and there wasn't much they could do-the decision was out of their hands. I cried and cried and told them, in my broken Hebrew, how much I wanted to be there and how I would do anything for a chance. They told me the next day I had a meeting with the commander of my base (not an exact translation) and that she would make the decision. I lost it. I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed all night. I called my mom and Sharon (one of the soldiers that lived with us before we went to the army). She assured me that thy just try to scare people, but I didnt believe her. The next day, I went into my meeting armed with my love for Israel and my passion for education. The commander informed me that she could get me a job where I can speak English and still learn Hebrew, to which I responded that I wanted this position and that they couldn't tell me no. I told them that I have a passion for this country and forthr values it was built on that nobody else in the course had. I explained that my degree in education already proves that I am in the right place and that I didn't intend to leave. Everytime she said "but if you dot succeed..." I stopped her and informed her that there was no way that I wasnt going to succeed. Then she told me she would give me to the middle of the course to see if I was progressing. That was the moment I made a switch. Yes, I still cried every day almost, and I still needed the motivational pep talks from my parents, my garin, and my wonderful friends in the course. But I knew I had no other option but to succeed. And so on Shabbat, when girls slept in, or went out, I read. During breaks, when girls hung out, I studied. And on the tests, when some girls didn't pass, I DID!!!
I wish I had written in my blog throughout my course. I had so many moments of fear and sadness, happiness and pride, and of course, I had my moments of Zionism. Not only did I pass the course and finished, I also received an award "מצטיינת מופת״ which I like to translate to "the people's choice award". Basically the girls in my course voted for me. I did it. I succeeded in my course but I couldnt have done it without the help of the girls in my tzevet, my friends from my garin, my commanders, my "big sister" and my parents.
I am now a מש״קית חינוך (Mashakit Chinuch) and I am in the navy ready to make these soldiers into zionists. Im starting from new, in a new place, with new people, and it's not going to be easy. I have a lotttttttt to learn with my Hebrew and I plan on learning more and more every day. I'm glad I'm here. Israel is where I need to be, and the army is what I need to be doing.
Ps: happy birthday meg!
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