To be in uniform...

The past two weeks, in terms of my army service, have been quite the experience. Firstly, I finally became the Mashakit (my position) for my soldiers because shir, their old Mashakit was released from the army. Yes, I was excited to finally have my own job, but I was also scared. My Hebrew is great, but it's got a lonnngggg way to go. How was I going to communicate? Especially on the phone when it's a lot harder?

And then we had Holocaust Memoral day, Memorial Day for our soldiers. And Independence day. Three of the most important days of the year. I could write about all of the work we did and all of the activities, but that's not what I want to write about. I want to write about the feeling of belonging, yet being on the outside, the feeling of pride, and remembrance.

On Holocaust Remembrance Day, I had the opportunity to stand in silence for a minute while a siren rang out throughout the country. I had come to this country to serve in the IDF in order to ensure the safety of the Jewish people and the Jewish state. I thought of all of the people who had been alive just over 64 years ago. They didn't have a state to fight for. Now, because of te army, Jews around the world no longer need to be afraid. Because our army is, as David Ben gurion called it, a people's army. We are made up by the people of Israel and the Jewish people and we are here for Jews around the world. So on Holocaust Remembrance Day, that's what I thought about. I remembered those who perished without ever being able to see the Jewish State. And I promised myself that I would educate as many soldiers as possible about the importance of this army and the state.

And that was an emotional experience. Memorial Day and Independence Day had the same effect on me. I could sit and blabber about the Zionism and the pride I feel, but I don't need to explain. Very simply put, I am an Israeli soldier, living in the Jewish state. I speak the language of people, I'm educating about our past and trying to get people to think about the future. Im homesick as anything, and I miss my friends in America more than I ever have in my life, but I still know that this is where my life is supposed to be, and this is where I will try to build a life.

This morning I woke up sad and homesick. Last night I spoke to Maggie on Skype, which opened up the wound of extreme longing for my friends in America. It's these feelings that are the hardest for me. I don't have physical difficulties in the army. An yea, I do sit in an office. But it's still hard. Everyday I have a new challenge. And that's why, even though I have never lost anyone in an Israeli war (thank gd) and even though I felt on the outside on yom hazikaron, those days were important to me, too. Important to help me remember why I'm here.

This morning my host dad was waiting for me outside to take me to the train and I was about to leave when I told myself I needed to bring something with me to put me in a better mood. So, true to my character, I took my Hadaya necklace and put it on. This week, I will wear the map of Israel with the words "אין לי ארץ אחרת״ (I have no other country). Typical and cheesy, but I hope it'll remind me why I'm here.

Bombs over Ashdod....

I really never got it. Every time I showed the Sderot video, every time I talked about what people can do in 15 seconds, every time I updated my facebook status about rockets in Israel. I didn't actually understand until I had to run to the shelter. Until I was the one that was running, I was the one that heard it while I was in the bathroom. Now I finally understand.

This morning, I looked at the newspaper and on the front page was a picture of an 11 year old boy talking about what he does when the rockets fall and how his house doesn't have any safe room and so sometimes he throws up because he has no protection. That is not childhood.

And then I heard the siren and I was the one that wanted to throw up. Because the rockets aren't far away. They are here. Right next to me. it's no longer a hasbara campaign I'm launching during Israel peace week. It's my life. And it's really fucking scary.

I was sitting in the shelter waiting for the all clear sound and nobody was even phased by it. "it's annoying" they said. "can we leave yet?" "I have things to do". THESE PEOPLE ARE USED TO IT. And it is so sad. It's so sad that there is nothing to do except for get used to it. And Israelis continue with their lives. Its not ok. When Israel has air strikes in Gaza, its not because they feel like it. Its because it's not ok that people have to run for their lives 10 times a day. In half of an hour, we ran twice. I'm sure it'll happen again. When I spoke about it with the girls in my office, they told me that I'll get used to it too. But I don't want to get used to it. And they shouldn't be used to to it either.

I came to Israel to live and I intend to stay here. But I hope and pray that my kids will read about tzeva adoms in their history book instead of experiencing them while staying home from school because it's too dangerous to go.

So tell your friends who are reading the NY Times, watching CNN and NBC what's really going on. That Israelis are interrupting their daily routine in order to run to bomb shelters. And until they stop shooting rockets, we will continue to fight for our right to live our lives without sirens.

Slow but not so steady

I've been on my new base for about a month now and part of me feels like I've been here forever. The other part f me feels like I just got here. The army is a weird thing in this country. It's an army in a sense that there are commanders and officers, and people with weapons, and there are people on guard duty all the time. On the other hand, it's an entire social network like a school. People have groups of friends on base, there's always gossip, work to be done and advice to be given about boys and life. There's no real vacation, it's year round, but every weekend you get to go home to the real world.

My month here has been somewhat of an emotional roller coaster. I cry a lot but I also laugh a lot. The key words seem to be "לאט לאט״ which means slowly slowly. Adjustment takes time for everyone...and will take longer for me because of my language, culture, and age barrier. I work with a stag of 4 girls. Right now there are 5 of us, because I am taking a place of one girl who is leaving in a month. It's difficult. I have a ton to learn, but I won't actually learn until I jump in and start doing things. I'm meeting a ton of people, but I never remember their names and a lot of times it's hard for me to follow conversations when were in a group of people. One on one it's a lot easier, but I have yet to get he chance. But I love the girls in my office. Im here with one girl from my course, and I don't know what I would do without her.

Last week I led my first peulah (activity/lecture) on the Israeli flag (typical). I did it for my unit...about 10 to 15 people. We talked about why countries have flags and we looked at pictures of different situations that incorporates the flag: burning it, soldiers carrying it during war, my graduation hat, etc. we discussed the emotion behind the flag and debated whether or not Israeli youth recognize the importance. I think it went pretty well. My officer told me that it really came from my heart and because of that it made it really special. I think that is really what is going to make me a strong Mashakit Chinuch. The fact that every peulah I do about Israel or Zionism or Judaism (basically everything) is really going to come from my heart because i really believe in it.

Its hard to be here at times. I feel lonely a lot and sometimes I feel that I won't make any real friends on base. But the other day when I had dinner with Lital, she told me that in two years when I finish it's going to be totally worth it. My Hebrew will be amaing I will understand a lot more about Israeli culture, and I will have gone trough why most Israelis have gone through. It's just hard to remember that sometimes.

Even in my saddest most depressed moments though, I know that coming to Israel was the right thing to do. Tho really is the place that I belong. I really really believe in being here, and even though I don't always feel like I'm fully a part of this country, I know that I'm here for a reason and I know that my children will be here as Israelis.

This is just the beginning?!?

It's been a really long time since I've written a blog entry. Let me preface this by saying that i am sitting in the bus station waiting to get Ina bus to go to the bakum(the place in the army where people go in and never come out...) to switch my uniform because I have been placed in the navy!! I get a pretty white uniform for ceremonies and a khaki uniform for the rest of the time..yay!

The past two and a half months have honestly been the most challenging of my entire life. I have never worked so hard in my life, and it's not easy to literally spend every waking moment studying and then find out that you passed the test, but just barely. I was in, what I think, is the best course for the best position in the army...education!! I was with ninety girls between the ages of 18 and 20, many of whom had never been away from home. I learned about everything there is to know about this country: from the Haredim, to David Ben gurion, to current events, to the ancient history of Israel. I traveled to Gaza and the west bank, had an incredibly meaningful and educational week in Jerusalem, and I learned how to do my job army style.

It wasn't the glorious army life I wanted. There were no boys, no good food, and a ton of tears. There are 2 breakdowns that stick out in my mind that I want to share. The first came after a few day of non stop rain. The night before, I had to be on patrol and walk around the base to guard the perimeter. The mud reached my ankles, and the girl I was walking with thought she was the prettiest girl in the world and insisted on telling me about it for an hour. Then I found out that I had to be on call...meaning I had to sleep in my uniform INCLUDING my disgusting muddy shoes. I don't know why that set me off, but I lost it. First I called my mom and sobbed louder and harder than I did when I saw the notebook for the first time. Then, all the other (incredibly wonderful) garin Tzabar girls came downstairs and sat with me while I wailed and wailed about how I hated 18 year olds and how Zionism doesn't mean sleeping in muddy shoes. Then I sat in a puddle, which therefore made me cry harder. In that moment, I truly felt like it was the end of the world. I didn't see the light at the end of the tunnel, and I felt more alone than I ever have in my entire life. I hope that nobody ever experiences the feeling I experienced that night. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. In the end, I slept in my shoes and it was fine, obviously.

My second breakdown occurred after I finished basic training. (this incident was before the muddy shoes). I was on a high, and heddy and teddy had just left the base after watching my swear allegiance to the state of Israel (they didn't know that I swore alliegence at age 10 already). My commander pulled me aside and told me (in her really fast hebrew) that I ha to meet with the commander of my course. I sat down, and she proceeded to tell me that "there was no way I was going to succeed in my course". The Hebrew just wasn't here for me, and there wasn't much they could do-the decision was out of their hands. I cried and cried and told them, in my broken Hebrew, how much I wanted to be there and how I would do anything for a chance. They told me the next day I had a meeting with the commander of my base (not an exact translation) and that she would make the decision. I lost it. I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed all night. I called my mom and Sharon (one of the soldiers that lived with us before we went to the army). She assured me that thy just try to scare people, but I didnt believe her. The next day, I went into my meeting armed with my love for Israel and my passion for education. The commander informed me that she could get me a job where I can speak English and still learn Hebrew, to which I responded that I wanted this position and that they couldn't tell me no. I told them that I have a passion for this country and forthr values it was built on that nobody else in the course had. I explained that my degree in education already proves that I am in the right place and that I didn't intend to leave. Everytime she said "but if you dot succeed..." I stopped her and informed her that there was no way that I wasnt going to succeed. Then she told me she would give me to the middle of the course to see if I was progressing. That was the moment I made a switch. Yes, I still cried every day almost, and I still needed the motivational pep talks from my parents, my garin, and my wonderful friends in the course. But I knew I had no other option but to succeed. And so on Shabbat, when girls slept in, or went out, I read. During breaks, when girls hung out, I studied. And on the tests, when some girls didn't pass, I DID!!!

I wish I had written in my blog throughout my course. I had so many moments of fear and sadness, happiness and pride, and of course, I had my moments of Zionism. Not only did I pass the course and finished, I also received an award "מצטיינת מופת״ which I like to translate to "the people's choice award". Basically the girls in my course voted for me. I did it. I succeeded in my course but I couldnt have done it without the help of the girls in my tzevet, my friends from my garin, my commanders, my "big sister" and my parents.

I am now a מש״קית חינוך (Mashakit Chinuch) and I am in the navy ready to make these soldiers into zionists. Im starting from new, in a new place, with new people, and it's not going to be easy. I have a lotttttttt to learn with my Hebrew and I plan on learning more and more every day. I'm glad I'm here. Israel is where I need to be, and the army is what I need to be doing.

Ps: happy birthday meg!

First Shabbat off of the army!

On Wednesday, November 16th, exactly 10 years after my Bat Mitzvah, I joined the Israeli Defense Forces.  The day was long, but I was ready.  I got my dog tags, my IDF personal number, my ID that allows me to ride public transportation for free, and my dental X-rays.  Following this long day (it lasted from 5AM and we finished at 8PM), we loaded busses to take us to our base in the South. We arrived at the base and had more talks and interviews.  I sat with an army social worker who made sure that I felt that I was getting enough money because of my lone soldier status and I sat with an officer who praised me for coming to join the army despite my "older age".  At 10PM that first night, we finally sat down for dinner, and at midnight I finally got my hour of free time before going to bed.  

The next day was filled with running from a Chet formation to two lines, and back again.  I did push ups, listened to endless lectures about how to wear my uniform, how to wear my hair, how to behave, how to sit in attention formation.  It was pretty miserable, but despite it all, I had a smile on my face.  I had followed my dream, and I was wearing an IDF uniform.  It felt so good.  I was assigned to a mefakedet (a commander), and a tzevet (my group of girls). These people, for the next two and a half months were going to be my best friends, my family, my translators, and my support.  We were together until the end of our course and I knew that we were going to be incredibly close despite our age difference.  

On Friday morning, after waking us up at 5AM, they released a bunch of us early because of how far north we live.  The commander of our entire course told us that we were now Israeli soldiers, Jewish soldiers, and we were representing the State of Israel and the Jewish people.  I was so emotional I couldn't stop smiling and I had tears in my eyes.  She turned to me and asked if I was okay, and I replied "Yes commander, I'm just extremely emotional".  The girls around me giggled.  They understand why I came, why I find it important, but they still found me funny.  But it didn't matter.  At that moment, so early in the morning, as I stood at attention with 15 other girls, I knew that the next two years were going to be difficult, but they were going to be incredible.  I had made the right decision.  I was in Israel, serving in the army, just like all of the other Israelis do.  I was in an army that protects MY people, the Jewish people.  The truth is, I'm excited to go back to the army on Sunday.  It's all an experience, and it's going to be a great one. 

Some thoughts before the army...

Since the last time I posted, so much has happened.  We had a final hike as a garin to the Judaean desert, I went on a cruise with three people from my garin, I've met some great new people, and lastly and most importantly, I celebrated my 23rd birthday!!

Currently, I am sitting in my room with Amy, my roommate.  We just finished breakfast and we're getting ready to go shopping for some last minute stuff before we go into the army.  Amy is going in tomorrow to Kishrei Chutz (foreign relations) and I am going in on Wednesday as a Mashikit Chinuch (education).  The past three months have been incredible.  We formed a real family with our garin, we explored the country, we improved our hebrew, and we began experience the bureaucracy that can also be called hell.  But the best part is, that we fell in love with this country all over again, but this time we fell in love as Israelis.  I could not be happier than I am in Israel.  Every part of my mind, body, and soul knows that moving to Israel and joining the Israeli Defense Forces was the right decision.  This has been a dream of mine since solelim, in 5th grade at Sprout Lake.  Of course I'm scared out of my mind.  I have no idea what to expect, where I will be, who I will be with, and when the next time I come home will be...not to mention the fact that I'm about to enter an environment where everyone speaks a foreign language that I am still trying to grasp.  But it's going to be worth it.  Because two years from now, I am going to be finished the army and I will be a part of Israeli society.  I can't wait.

So I know this is short, and not that insightful, but to all of you who are reading this, I'm really happy.  And I really believe in Aliyah and in Israel. Wish me luck in the army!

Gilad is home and I am home.

Every time I tell someone that I'm an olah chadasha (new immigrant), they tell me that I came at an exciting time.  But the truth is, life is never boring in this country.  I just got back from Regba after being away since last Wednesday, and it feels good to be home.  On Wednesday, I met up with a friend of mine from Young Judaea who I always looked up to.  Teddy made Aliyah last week, and I went with him to Beit Tzipporah (aka his family's apartment in Jerusalem) to spend Simchat Torah. We did a little shul hopping, met some religious Americans, and then went to yet another Judaean's apartment for the chag.  Steve is also  Teddy's age (25), from Young Judaea and made Aliyah three years ago.  After dinner, we decided to turn the chag into a secular one, and we went out to a few bars and I even got into the King David Hotel! (A story for another time...)

It felt good to be with some Judaeans.  After all, Young Judaea is the reason why I made Aliyah.  It is really great to be able sit and talk with some Zionists who think like me, in terms of my idealism (not so ideal anymore) and in terms of Zionist thinkers (gotta love me some Golda and Herzl).  Not only do I owe my Zionism to Young Judaea, as well as my Aliyah, but I also must say that almost my entire base of friends in Israel is because of Young Judaea:  I've got old counselors, co-counselors, fellow campers, and of course, my incredible scouts on year course.  I have Year Course teachers, machon leaders, and Israelis that came to camp for a summer and who now offer me the shirt off their backs.  I would be miserable and lonely and in America if it weren't for Young Judaea.  It only makes me hope that the relationship I built with my campers affects them as much as my relationship with my counselors affected me.  I know that I'm not done giving back to YJ, but I hope that what I have done thus far is enough to sustain me until after the army.  Not to mention, I'm going to be in the education unit in the army and I plan on writing some kick ass peulot that, obviously, I learned how to write in Young Judaea...

Anywho...I'm starting to really feel acclimated in this country.  It feels like I never left.  And it's an incredible country to be a part of.  When Gilad came home, and we were all watching on television, I could only imagine how many people were glued to the TV.  This country is a giant family, with an infinite number of opinions and beliefs, but nonetheless a family.  I now am privileged to be a part of it.  I keep getting asked by friends in America what I think about the Gilad Schalit deal.  I like to think that my thoughts haven't changed, but being here and being drafter in a month really has cemented my thoughts on the matter.  Yes, it is really terrible that we had to give 1000 prisoners back in order to get Gilad Schalit back.  But I would expect Israel to do the same to any of the boys in my garin (g-d forbid), any of my friends, brothers, neighbors, and eventually my sons.  It is true that these terrorists may become terrorists again, but regardless, when our boys show up on the day of their draft, they are promising to protect this nation and the Jewish people no matter what it takes. For three years they do whatever it takes to keep this country safe.  The least we can do it promise them that we will try whatever we can to make sure they come back home safe and alive.  It's a simple request, and one that I truly believe needs to be granted for every soldier that fights in the IDF.

This chofesh/chag, it felt good to be home.  It felt good to be in Israel, it felt good to be with friends and loved ones, and it felt good to be home.  Making Aliyah and joining the army really is a dream, and I am floating on the clouds...at least until I arrive at basic training! :)