Pride

November 22, 2012

I'm tired. I'm emotionally and physically worn out from this past week and I'm not even a fighter in the army.  As a soldier on the Naval base in Ashdod, I've been bombarded by missiles the past two weeks. Every 10 minutes I had to drop what I was doing and run to a bomb shelter.  But that hardly was exhausting. As part of my position in the army, my soldiers turn to me for help and advice.  Not only do I educate them and take them on hikes, but I'm also a friend, a shoulder to lean on, and a break from reality.  So when my soldiers came in day after day, night after night with horrifying stories, tears in their eyes, broken down spirits, and a longing for their moms, I, too, felt what they felt.  These are 18 year old boys that should be drinking beer and hanging out with friends.  They should not be going out to sea in a war against terrorists in the Gaza Strip.

Running for our lives is something that Israelis are not willing to accept.  This ceasefire is temporary.  No more than 10 minutes after CNN reported that the ceasefire had been put into effect I was running to a bomb shelter yet again.  These past two weeks was just a small taste of what goes on in Israel.  The rockets didn't start two weeks ago, they started 12 years ago.  We just didn't fight back as hard, because we have heart. We understand the value of human life,  we understand the implications of our actions, and we understand the importance to defend our homeland.  And defending the civilians of the south and of all of Medinat Yisrael was what the past two weeks were all about.  I can only pray that it worked...

November 30, 2012

It seems as if the world has forgotten already that a week ago there was a war against Israel.  They have forgotten about the civilians that ran for cover, about the bus bomb, about the rockets that fell like rain over the south and the center of Israel.  Sometimes I feel that in Israel, too, people have forgotten.  But then, every once in a while I hear a noise and I stop and think about where the closest shelter is. Sometimes, even after the ceasefire, my "tzeva adom" application on my iphone goes off when there is a rocket in Sderot or the surrounding areas.  And then I remember.  I remember that even though the news is no longer covering the situation, there still is a situation.  And I have to admit, that I have tried SO hard to think about the other side.  But I just cannot seem to understand how people sympathize with Hamas.  With the citizens of Gaza, I  do sympathize.  I feel terrible they truly believed that Hamas would help improve their state of living.  I feel terrible that they live in fear of their government.  That they send their children to learn how to be terrorists, that instead of listening to Israel's warning to evacuate a building, they gather more people--ready to die--when Israel comes to bomb (which they usually won't if there are people inside).  

But we are not the bad guy.  We are simply doing what Hamas does not: protecting our citizens.  The past few weeks have made me so incredibly proud to be Jewish, Israeli, and most importantly, a soldier.    I am a part of something incredible.  I am a part of a movement that works night and day, week after week, month after month, year after year, to protect my country.  I may not be a fighter, but I help this country survive.  And every day I am happy to be here.  

A series of unrelated thoughts רק בישראל

I have a lot to say and a lot of it isn't connected so I think I'm just going to randomly list my thoughts because I want to make sure I keep it all recorded

A few days ago I took some of my soldiers to the bahai gardens. We're standing there and I look over and see a group of American teenagers. On one of their shirts I see "chon" and I thought what are the chances it's machon? Then I see a sprout shirt. I realized that it was machon but that the chances of knowing them were slim to none. And then, I saw Avi kessler. I go over to him and then I realize that a good 15 sprout kids (all my campers) were there!!!!! It was a beautiful moment on so many levels. First of all, in terms of Zionism, it was cool that I was in uniform and they saw me with my soldiers. I always talked about making Aliyah and then I actually did it. On a level even higher than that, I had a dream, and they alllllll knew it was my dream and they saw me living my dream. As their counselor (once upon a time), it was important for me to show them that it doesn't matter what their dream is, they really really can achieve it. It was just one more link to camp and my life and I'm glad I had that moment. Love you guys.

I'm on a train and there is no air conditioning. I'm dying. But only in this country will an old man hand out newspaper to fan yourself with and ten proceed to talk to you. My entire railroad car is talking right now. Literally. Were all in the middle of a conversation. I love Israel.

I sat next to a girl at the train station who looked like she came out of te "in a slave for you" music video. She heard me speak English and then we had a 20 minute conversation on Zionism and the importance of joining the army. she's a crazy liberal pacifist who has a million piercing and is 21 and has decided to draft because she think it's important. Love this country.

I'm seriously considering officers course. I'm not sure, but I'm leaning towards yes. The reasons i don't want to go? I love my base, I love my job, and I'll miss my best friend Avital on my base. I cant believe that 6 months ago I was super sad and depressed an thought id never be happy. Now I can read the newspaper and j have best friends.

My friends from the army are spending the weekend at Regba with me. It's gonna be epic. I can't wait.

I'm going to America on Sunday for a month and I'm sad to leave Israel, an my garin, and my friends, and my boyfriend, and my base. But I'm excited to visit everyone in America.

It's super hot here and there is no air on my base because it's super humid and there are cockroaches on my base and I hate it, but I deal with it because I'm happy.

I got a Facebook message from another one of my old campers, Rachel, who just finished working at sprout for first session and she expressed to me her gratitude that I was a good counselor. She told me a few incidents that I didn't remember at all of things that stuck with her. It made me so happy and proud I say I was a sprout lake counselor. I can't wait till she comes on year course in September.


Yesterday there was a pigua in Bulgaria and it made me so sad. It made me think about the car accident and how we just were in shock and kept saying that things like this don't happen to people we know they just happen to people we read about in the newspaper. Now I just keep thinking about the families of these people. And their friends and girlfriends and boyfriends. It's happening to them and it's just so sad and so depressing. but nonetheless, when I left base today I was proud to be a soldier.

Heddy is engaged and I'm super excited for her and I'm super happy she's in my life because I don't know what I would do without her. Actually. She is my lifesaver.

That's it for now. I love Israel.

That's it for now.

The big question

Im a part of a Zionist book club here. Me and some friends and some friends of friends have decided to get together, read some Zionist books to challenge ourselves and then eventually do something to make Israel a better place. Last week we talked about a lot of different things and one of the other soldiers mentioned to me that my job in the army must be extremely gratifying. As a a mashakit chinuch I have the ability to influence soldiers and dig into them to help them understand the importance of this country and their job in the army.

And then I couldn't stop thinking about it. What am I doing to make Israel and my soldiers better? I can keep saying that it's because of my Hebrew, but I know that I can step up to the challenge and make a difference. I've been writing educational Peulot since I was thirteen! That's 10 years! So why do I have writers block?! Have I been removed from camp that long that I can't think of Peulot to do?! Its not that I'm not doing anything because I'm definitely doing things. But I can do so much more! I just don't know where to begin. This is my passion, the perfect job for me, and exactly what I want to be doing. So why is it so difficult?


Today I was in a cab and suddenly the cab driver said to me (in Hebrew obviously) "sometimes I look at all of these buildings in tel aviv and I remember what this city was like before all of this. I grew up here". It really warmed my heart and made me love this country. I love how much it has changed (for the good and the bad) in such a short period of time. I love that there are people who are wee who remember tel aviv when it was sandy and people who lived here before we had the old city. Its the stories and moments like this that I'm happy I'm an American Jew who made Aliyah. I get to appreciate these stories and have those moments that make me love this country. The question is how do I help Israelis feel that?

To be in uniform...

The past two weeks, in terms of my army service, have been quite the experience. Firstly, I finally became the Mashakit (my position) for my soldiers because shir, their old Mashakit was released from the army. Yes, I was excited to finally have my own job, but I was also scared. My Hebrew is great, but it's got a lonnngggg way to go. How was I going to communicate? Especially on the phone when it's a lot harder?

And then we had Holocaust Memoral day, Memorial Day for our soldiers. And Independence day. Three of the most important days of the year. I could write about all of the work we did and all of the activities, but that's not what I want to write about. I want to write about the feeling of belonging, yet being on the outside, the feeling of pride, and remembrance.

On Holocaust Remembrance Day, I had the opportunity to stand in silence for a minute while a siren rang out throughout the country. I had come to this country to serve in the IDF in order to ensure the safety of the Jewish people and the Jewish state. I thought of all of the people who had been alive just over 64 years ago. They didn't have a state to fight for. Now, because of te army, Jews around the world no longer need to be afraid. Because our army is, as David Ben gurion called it, a people's army. We are made up by the people of Israel and the Jewish people and we are here for Jews around the world. So on Holocaust Remembrance Day, that's what I thought about. I remembered those who perished without ever being able to see the Jewish State. And I promised myself that I would educate as many soldiers as possible about the importance of this army and the state.

And that was an emotional experience. Memorial Day and Independence Day had the same effect on me. I could sit and blabber about the Zionism and the pride I feel, but I don't need to explain. Very simply put, I am an Israeli soldier, living in the Jewish state. I speak the language of people, I'm educating about our past and trying to get people to think about the future. Im homesick as anything, and I miss my friends in America more than I ever have in my life, but I still know that this is where my life is supposed to be, and this is where I will try to build a life.

This morning I woke up sad and homesick. Last night I spoke to Maggie on Skype, which opened up the wound of extreme longing for my friends in America. It's these feelings that are the hardest for me. I don't have physical difficulties in the army. An yea, I do sit in an office. But it's still hard. Everyday I have a new challenge. And that's why, even though I have never lost anyone in an Israeli war (thank gd) and even though I felt on the outside on yom hazikaron, those days were important to me, too. Important to help me remember why I'm here.

This morning my host dad was waiting for me outside to take me to the train and I was about to leave when I told myself I needed to bring something with me to put me in a better mood. So, true to my character, I took my Hadaya necklace and put it on. This week, I will wear the map of Israel with the words "אין לי ארץ אחרת״ (I have no other country). Typical and cheesy, but I hope it'll remind me why I'm here.

Bombs over Ashdod....

I really never got it. Every time I showed the Sderot video, every time I talked about what people can do in 15 seconds, every time I updated my facebook status about rockets in Israel. I didn't actually understand until I had to run to the shelter. Until I was the one that was running, I was the one that heard it while I was in the bathroom. Now I finally understand.

This morning, I looked at the newspaper and on the front page was a picture of an 11 year old boy talking about what he does when the rockets fall and how his house doesn't have any safe room and so sometimes he throws up because he has no protection. That is not childhood.

And then I heard the siren and I was the one that wanted to throw up. Because the rockets aren't far away. They are here. Right next to me. it's no longer a hasbara campaign I'm launching during Israel peace week. It's my life. And it's really fucking scary.

I was sitting in the shelter waiting for the all clear sound and nobody was even phased by it. "it's annoying" they said. "can we leave yet?" "I have things to do". THESE PEOPLE ARE USED TO IT. And it is so sad. It's so sad that there is nothing to do except for get used to it. And Israelis continue with their lives. Its not ok. When Israel has air strikes in Gaza, its not because they feel like it. Its because it's not ok that people have to run for their lives 10 times a day. In half of an hour, we ran twice. I'm sure it'll happen again. When I spoke about it with the girls in my office, they told me that I'll get used to it too. But I don't want to get used to it. And they shouldn't be used to to it either.

I came to Israel to live and I intend to stay here. But I hope and pray that my kids will read about tzeva adoms in their history book instead of experiencing them while staying home from school because it's too dangerous to go.

So tell your friends who are reading the NY Times, watching CNN and NBC what's really going on. That Israelis are interrupting their daily routine in order to run to bomb shelters. And until they stop shooting rockets, we will continue to fight for our right to live our lives without sirens.

Slow but not so steady

I've been on my new base for about a month now and part of me feels like I've been here forever. The other part f me feels like I just got here. The army is a weird thing in this country. It's an army in a sense that there are commanders and officers, and people with weapons, and there are people on guard duty all the time. On the other hand, it's an entire social network like a school. People have groups of friends on base, there's always gossip, work to be done and advice to be given about boys and life. There's no real vacation, it's year round, but every weekend you get to go home to the real world.

My month here has been somewhat of an emotional roller coaster. I cry a lot but I also laugh a lot. The key words seem to be "לאט לאט״ which means slowly slowly. Adjustment takes time for everyone...and will take longer for me because of my language, culture, and age barrier. I work with a stag of 4 girls. Right now there are 5 of us, because I am taking a place of one girl who is leaving in a month. It's difficult. I have a ton to learn, but I won't actually learn until I jump in and start doing things. I'm meeting a ton of people, but I never remember their names and a lot of times it's hard for me to follow conversations when were in a group of people. One on one it's a lot easier, but I have yet to get he chance. But I love the girls in my office. Im here with one girl from my course, and I don't know what I would do without her.

Last week I led my first peulah (activity/lecture) on the Israeli flag (typical). I did it for my unit...about 10 to 15 people. We talked about why countries have flags and we looked at pictures of different situations that incorporates the flag: burning it, soldiers carrying it during war, my graduation hat, etc. we discussed the emotion behind the flag and debated whether or not Israeli youth recognize the importance. I think it went pretty well. My officer told me that it really came from my heart and because of that it made it really special. I think that is really what is going to make me a strong Mashakit Chinuch. The fact that every peulah I do about Israel or Zionism or Judaism (basically everything) is really going to come from my heart because i really believe in it.

Its hard to be here at times. I feel lonely a lot and sometimes I feel that I won't make any real friends on base. But the other day when I had dinner with Lital, she told me that in two years when I finish it's going to be totally worth it. My Hebrew will be amaing I will understand a lot more about Israeli culture, and I will have gone trough why most Israelis have gone through. It's just hard to remember that sometimes.

Even in my saddest most depressed moments though, I know that coming to Israel was the right thing to do. Tho really is the place that I belong. I really really believe in being here, and even though I don't always feel like I'm fully a part of this country, I know that I'm here for a reason and I know that my children will be here as Israelis.

This is just the beginning?!?

It's been a really long time since I've written a blog entry. Let me preface this by saying that i am sitting in the bus station waiting to get Ina bus to go to the bakum(the place in the army where people go in and never come out...) to switch my uniform because I have been placed in the navy!! I get a pretty white uniform for ceremonies and a khaki uniform for the rest of the time..yay!

The past two and a half months have honestly been the most challenging of my entire life. I have never worked so hard in my life, and it's not easy to literally spend every waking moment studying and then find out that you passed the test, but just barely. I was in, what I think, is the best course for the best position in the army...education!! I was with ninety girls between the ages of 18 and 20, many of whom had never been away from home. I learned about everything there is to know about this country: from the Haredim, to David Ben gurion, to current events, to the ancient history of Israel. I traveled to Gaza and the west bank, had an incredibly meaningful and educational week in Jerusalem, and I learned how to do my job army style.

It wasn't the glorious army life I wanted. There were no boys, no good food, and a ton of tears. There are 2 breakdowns that stick out in my mind that I want to share. The first came after a few day of non stop rain. The night before, I had to be on patrol and walk around the base to guard the perimeter. The mud reached my ankles, and the girl I was walking with thought she was the prettiest girl in the world and insisted on telling me about it for an hour. Then I found out that I had to be on call...meaning I had to sleep in my uniform INCLUDING my disgusting muddy shoes. I don't know why that set me off, but I lost it. First I called my mom and sobbed louder and harder than I did when I saw the notebook for the first time. Then, all the other (incredibly wonderful) garin Tzabar girls came downstairs and sat with me while I wailed and wailed about how I hated 18 year olds and how Zionism doesn't mean sleeping in muddy shoes. Then I sat in a puddle, which therefore made me cry harder. In that moment, I truly felt like it was the end of the world. I didn't see the light at the end of the tunnel, and I felt more alone than I ever have in my entire life. I hope that nobody ever experiences the feeling I experienced that night. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. In the end, I slept in my shoes and it was fine, obviously.

My second breakdown occurred after I finished basic training. (this incident was before the muddy shoes). I was on a high, and heddy and teddy had just left the base after watching my swear allegiance to the state of Israel (they didn't know that I swore alliegence at age 10 already). My commander pulled me aside and told me (in her really fast hebrew) that I ha to meet with the commander of my course. I sat down, and she proceeded to tell me that "there was no way I was going to succeed in my course". The Hebrew just wasn't here for me, and there wasn't much they could do-the decision was out of their hands. I cried and cried and told them, in my broken Hebrew, how much I wanted to be there and how I would do anything for a chance. They told me the next day I had a meeting with the commander of my base (not an exact translation) and that she would make the decision. I lost it. I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed all night. I called my mom and Sharon (one of the soldiers that lived with us before we went to the army). She assured me that thy just try to scare people, but I didnt believe her. The next day, I went into my meeting armed with my love for Israel and my passion for education. The commander informed me that she could get me a job where I can speak English and still learn Hebrew, to which I responded that I wanted this position and that they couldn't tell me no. I told them that I have a passion for this country and forthr values it was built on that nobody else in the course had. I explained that my degree in education already proves that I am in the right place and that I didn't intend to leave. Everytime she said "but if you dot succeed..." I stopped her and informed her that there was no way that I wasnt going to succeed. Then she told me she would give me to the middle of the course to see if I was progressing. That was the moment I made a switch. Yes, I still cried every day almost, and I still needed the motivational pep talks from my parents, my garin, and my wonderful friends in the course. But I knew I had no other option but to succeed. And so on Shabbat, when girls slept in, or went out, I read. During breaks, when girls hung out, I studied. And on the tests, when some girls didn't pass, I DID!!!

I wish I had written in my blog throughout my course. I had so many moments of fear and sadness, happiness and pride, and of course, I had my moments of Zionism. Not only did I pass the course and finished, I also received an award "מצטיינת מופת״ which I like to translate to "the people's choice award". Basically the girls in my course voted for me. I did it. I succeeded in my course but I couldnt have done it without the help of the girls in my tzevet, my friends from my garin, my commanders, my "big sister" and my parents.

I am now a מש״קית חינוך (Mashakit Chinuch) and I am in the navy ready to make these soldiers into zionists. Im starting from new, in a new place, with new people, and it's not going to be easy. I have a lotttttttt to learn with my Hebrew and I plan on learning more and more every day. I'm glad I'm here. Israel is where I need to be, and the army is what I need to be doing.

Ps: happy birthday meg!